Fish Fingers and Amma's Pie
by CelestiasFaithful
Summary: Everyone thought Lena Duchannes and her family were the weirdest people in Gatlin- until now. The Doctor has crash-landed in Gatlin, and knows something is being hidden under wraps, and it's going to be a wild ride for him, Rory, Amy, River, and the mortals and casters of Gatlin. How will the casters react to him? But more importantly- has any of his foes followed him?
1. (1) Something Wicked This Way Comes

**A shoutout any Caster Chromicles fans who are also Whovians! (Even though I think I'm the only one...)**

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**Chapter One- ****_Something Wicked This Way_********_Comes_**

Macon sat in a chair next to the fireplace, looking as if he were in pain. His eyes darted around, and he was twitching when he wasn't making movements that might have indicated that he was drunk. It felt like his mind was going too fast for his body. When he thought he had sat down, he fell to the ground, realizing his mind had tricked him.  
He gripped the arms of the chair, his face contorted in agony. He recoiled his legs, now with his legs up near his chest. A most ungentlemanly thing to do for such a southern gentleman. He took note every breath, since he was in a state where unconsciously breathing was hardly possible. The simple steps repeated in his mind, along with some orders to relax.

_Breathe in._  
_Breathe out._  
_Relax._

_Breathe in._  
_Breathe out._  
_Be calm._

_Breathe in._  
_Breathe out-_  
"Uncle M?" A soft voice said from behind him.

Lena watched as her uncle's head turned towards her, circles under his dark eyes. He had a straight face, but she could tell that deep down inside, he was so scared about something he might just scream. "What's wrong?" She asked sitting in the chair next to him, putting a hand on his, which were still latched on tight to the chair. "Nothing, Lena." He replied sternly. "Nothing concerning you." "If it is concerning you, it must be concerning me." She said, refusing to back off.  
"Don't you have something to go do?"  
"Yes."  
"Then go do it."  
"I'm doing right now."  
He raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"  
Lena glared at her uncle. She was getting very tired of his constant stalling. "I don't like to be lied to, Macon. Especially from you."  
Macon looked into her green eyes. She was scared to death of the unknown- her claiming in a few months, the fact that she might be disowned if she became a dark caster, and everything else that greatly impacted her life.  
He sighed. "Something's wrong."  
Her eyes widened. "Like what?"  
"I feel the presence of something new. A new force that should not be here. A force that should not exist, but does. A force that should not mix with either Mortal or Caster worlds. I am unsure that it is evil, but the presence be feels painful and strong, so it must be somewhat. For once, Lena: I don't know what it is."  
Suddenly, they heard a sound that was equivalent to a car falling from the sky.  
"Well. That was quick." Macon said, quite surprised.  
Macon stood up, tidying himself, and ushering his niece along.  
"Now lets go meet some new people."


	2. (2) A Big Blue Box at the Big Plantation

**I would just like to say- *begins to play "Let It Be"***

_**When I find myself in times of trouble,**_

_**Stephen Moffat comes to me,**_

_**Speaking words of wisdom-**_

_**THROW IT OFF A TALL BUILDING.**_

***dodges knives thrown by angry Whovains and Sherlockians***

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**Chapter Two- ****_A Big Blue Box at the Big Plantation_**

"_Oh_! _Ow_! _Damnit_!" Said various voices from the blue 1960's English phone box as it tumbled down a small hill, passing Ravenwood Manor and finally stopped.

"I'm okay! I AM _O-KAY_! I'm the _king of okay_!" Said the first person to come of the the sideways-laying box. He was a man with shirt brown hair, a tweed jacket, dark pants held by red suspenders,dress shoes, and white shirt underneath his jacket- complete with a maroon bowtie.  
He called over to the odd contraption he had just escaped from. "_Oi_! Come out, you lot! Nothing's come out to bit me..._yet_."

First, two women came out. The first was in a sparkly black dress and had curly blond hair, she put a pair of sunglasses on immediately. "Nice job, spaceman. We're probably in the Civil War." She sneered.

The second was a much younger redhead in causal clothes, who looked around in awe. "Even if we are, it's so beautiful here..."  
The last person to come out was another man, who was also dressed like his wife- in modern-day causal clothes. "Wherever we are-" he began, "can we find some local kids and say the TARDIS is a new state-of-the-art carnival ride? Because with that landing, it should have some barf bags around." He said, pointing to the phone box.

"Very funny, Rory." Said the other man, Turing around in a circle to examine his surroundings."This isn't Civil War times. There would be troops, and that would mean voices. There would be fires, and that would mean no vegetation-" he indecated the tress and plants all around them, spinning in a circle with his arms out wide. "- and smoke. There is nothing indicating war times here. The climate says...eh, southern North America. Not as far as Texas, but south. Too cool-ish to be Florida, too warm to be North Carolina, Maryland, or Virginia...I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say either Geogria or South Carolina." He said proudly as he stopped spinning, realizing there were only three of them left. He turned to the red haired woman. "Amy...where's River?"  
Amy glanced over at the black shape of River Song in the distance, walking towards what appeared to be an ancient mansion, it's rotting wooden boards covered in vines and decay.  
The Doctor held a hand up to his face. "I'm like a bloody _baby sitter._" He said, going after her.

Meanwhile, Macon and Lena were about the exit the house, but Lena insisted that both of them looked their best, in case this new force to be reckoned with liked to be formal. Lena eventually walked down the stairs, right behind her uncle. Suddenly, Macon stopped by the stairs, putting up a hand as a gesture for her to stop as well. He had heard footsteps.  
And they weren't theirs.  
He walked down the last few steps, looking around. Suddenly, he felt a long metal object placed behind his head. His eyes grew wide with fear.A voice whispered in his ear.

"Hello, _Sweetie_."


	3. (3) Sweetie

**Okay, I got an angry guest review about how I'm not using enough British-lingo.**

**Sorry- I'm American.**

**Deal with it.**

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**Chapter Three- Sweetie**

Lena watched as her uncle's eye grew wide as he realized he was being held at gunpoint.

"_Get out_." he growled, not looking at his captive, but straight at his niece.

"Funny, that the second person to have ever said that to me the first time we met. Well, it was his first- I had met him countless times before, but you people have no idea how timelines work,hmm?"

"For your information, I can probably do things you can't even fathom, Miss-"

"Song. _Professor_ Song."

"Well then, _professor_." He sneered "Please be a dear and_ tell me why you're here_."

"I think _you_ should go first." She insisted sternly, the gun pressing harder against his skull.

He knew it would do no good to argue. "I am Macon Ravenwood. Over there-" he hesitated towards Lena, who was frozen in fear "is my niece, Lena Duchannes."

"Well, either you and your sibling have an age gap, or _someone_ had a child late." She said, pulling back the gun, but keeping her armed hand pointing at him as she stalked around him in circles.

"_Half-sister_. She's probably around your age." He snapped. He hated when people talked about his age like that. "This is my home, and my property. You are _trespassing_ in _both_ right now."

"Oops! Sorry, sweetie- if this was my idea, I'd crash-land in someplace _nicer_."

Macon's eyes grew wide, his body suddenly becoming stiff. "_crash land_?". His reaction seemed to amuse the woman, since she gave a quiet snort and laughed. "Oh, what a _simple-minded_ creature you are, dear..."

Suddenly, the gun was now pressed between his shoulder blades, his pupils dilating in fear. "Now, then. State your full name, gender, species, species home planet, and purpose."

Macon held up his hands, turning his head to the floor. "Macon Melchizedek Ravenwood, male -you can _easily_ see that-"

"Ever seen a Silurian in a battle mask?" Macon shook his head. "Well. _That's_ why I wasn't sure you were a man or not." She jammed the gun farther into his skin. "Go on."

"species-"

Lena's mouth opened wide. Was her uncle going to let a mortal know about the Caster realm _that_ easily?

"- Incubus/Light Caster hybrid. Earth, and supposed town shut-in, actually not really. If I go in sunlight I'll burn to a crisp."

River put the gun down, Macon crouching over a little to compose himself after the dangerous endeavor. She twirled around Macon threateningly, her black dress sending waves of intimidating sequins towards him. She grabbed him by the collar, lowering his head so she could examine his face.

"So the question is...why did the TARDIS care about _you_?"

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**Sorry this chapter is so short. After seeing the premiere of "The Bells Of Saint John"** **last night, I've returned to this fanfic and found this chapter half-written, so I half-assed it and here you go. Also, I couldn't think of any more dialogue, since it IS River Song we're talking about here...**

**Anyway, I'm thinking of making Marian secretly in cahoots with Madame Vastra and Jenny. I re-watched "The Snowmen" right before Saint John, and I realized this fandom hasn't had any open homophobic hate towards our lesbian detective duo of the lovely lizard-lady and her wonderful wife. I also realized how much I loved them in that episode.  
So yeah- 9 chances out of 10 Silurians will appear in the next chapter or two.**

**Happy Easter!**


	4. (4) Time And Relative River Songs

**OH MY GOD.**

**TWO REVIEWS.**

**ON THAT HALF-ASSED CHAPTER.**

***tears of joy***

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**Chapter Four- Time And Relative River Songs**

Lena walked a few feet, joining the conversation. She hadn't seen her uncle in such a fearful state before, so she knew this was bigger than anything she'd faced in the past. She knew what weird was- to Gatlin, she was weird. She knew what crazy -as in psychotic- was- her mother Sarafine. She knew what completely-weird-crazy-psycho-mindblowing was- her life, family, and the world of Casters to a mere Mortal.

"The _TARDIS_? Are you on drugs or something?" Lena said, River turning around to face her in the blink of an eye, suddenly spewing information.

"Of course, you- a simple little girl who can_ oh_-" she put every drop of sarcasm she had into pretending to be scared "- _make a little rain and wind once in awhile_-"

"how do _you_ know about that?" Lena said, shocked. She had never seen this woman in her life- let alone her family. She didn't appear to be someone her family knew, let alone would entrust their secrets to.

"That's not important. But a simple little magic girl who think she's _all that_...well, heads up- you're_ not_ special and you _don't_ even have a _clue_ about the world around you."

Lena had suffered enough. She was about to attack the smartass blonde, but her uncle grabbed her by the arms. "As you were saying." he said calmly, apparently knowing something she didn't.

"TARDIS stands for _Time And Relative Dimensions In Space_. It's a time machine disguised as a vintage British police box. It was stolen, even when it was stolen -over a _thousand_ years ago- it was already an old model. Stolen from some Time Lord or Time Lady when they had their back turned, I believe. Anyway, it's the last one out there...a lot like the man who stole it, and now owns it." she sighed at the end, looking off into the distance as she talked about this mystery man.

Her eyes suddenly locked on Lena, her expression becoming stern and angry. "Now listen up, you little Caster girl. I've seen mindless robots with more uniqueness and talent than _you_, so _keep a lid_ on that overflowing self-confidence of yours. Your mind cannot even _fathom_ the things I have seen-" she lowered her head so she was only a few inches from Lena's face.

"I have seen planets blow up. I have watched the_ extinction_ of whole species_ right before my eyes_. I have seen _both_ of my parents _die_ at the hands of _monsters_. I have looked into the eye of _monsters worse than the devil_ and_ laughed_ at them. I attempted to assassinate _Adolf Hitler_ and got so close that I could have_ pulled the trigger then and there_."

Lenas eyes opened. Her worst fears of her world being destroyed by the Order Of Things seemed like only a small scratch in the now-infinite glass dome of cracks, holes, and scars.

Suddenly, the door opened, and a voice came from behind it as it opened."_Hello_-" The man leaned against the now-opened door, adjusting his maroon bowtie.

"I'm The Doctor."

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**((For those of you "New To Who"-(EPIC SPOILERS ALERT) River talks about Amy and Rory being dead because in her timeline she has already seen them die. River's timeline is moving backwards into the Doctor's adventures while everyone else's timelines are moving forward, thus River knows who the 10th Doctor is in "Silence In The Library" because she has already met (and married) the 11th Doctor.))**

**So who will appear next in this thrilling adventure?**

**Oods? Weeping Angels? The Master? The Dream Lord? Captain Jack? **

**Stay tuned!**

**((HAPPY MISHAPOCALYPSE!))**


	5. (5) Shut-Ins Are Cool

**Shoutout to ArianandXaia for the eletronic cookies and pie, and to Fogs of Gray for the heart-touching review!**

**((Before I get any questions on where Ethan and Link are-**

**lets just say they stole a certain Impala. *wink wink*))**

**Chapter Summary: The Doctor lectures River about the effects of doing shit in time and space, and goes off into tangents that relate to certain Christmas specials.**

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**Chapter Five- ****_Shut-Ins Are_**** Cool**

"Oh, River!" he said, completely ignoring the two Casters in the room as he glided over toward the aggravated blonde. "Good! It doesn't appear like you've _killed_ anyone yet."

"Oh sweetie, I wouldn't _dream_ of such a thing." she said with a sweet flowing voice that was almost nauseating to Lena, who had just seen her hold her guardian at gunpoint.

"Because you know, River-" he said, waiting for her to quote something off the top of her head.

" '_Just because that guy gave you a dirty look doesn't mean we sacrifice him to the Headless Monks_.' " she recited, rolling her eyes. "He _deserved_ it in the end though, dear."

The Doctor put up a finger to silence her. "Ah, but River- changing time has it's consequences. _Think of the children_." he said plainly, finally noting Macon and Lena. "Oh, _hello there_!" he said, striding over towards them, shaking both of their hands as they stared blankly in shock at him, but he didn't seem to notice, for he raised his head and checked his surroundings.

"I'm The Doctor. Nice place you got here...Decaying plantation on the outside-" he walked over to a wall and knocked on it, checking to see if the sound was structurally sound. "-and a brand-new mansion on the inside." he chuckled "Humans. What simple minds with their ideas of worshipping their history and dwelling on it like it's the only thing out there in the past." He scurried over towards Macon, looking at him from head to toe.

"I'm going to guess- _town shut-in_?"

"Correct."

"Cool. Town shut-ins are cool."

The Doctor walked into the center of the room, twirling in a circle and looking upwards. "Reminds me of a place I once house-sat...well, more like house-stole...but actually- more like _borrowed_... change your name to The Caretaker and you can get anyone in the World War Two era to think their brother-slash-uncle is on a business trip, and actually save the spirits of trees from acid rain and save the life of a husband in one night. Then hop along a few decades or so and tell your friends that you're not dead-" A doorbell suddenly cut him off as he glanced at Macon.

"And who would _that_ be?"

"That'd be Miss Marian Ashcroft, and possibly her assistant Oliva. She's a librarian who has come to drop off a few books I required." Macon said, hearing the door open. "Don't worry, Marian- just being held at gunpoint over here..." he yelled sarcastically.

The sound of three pairs of feet were heard. That's odd... thought Macon, knowing it would -at the most- be only Marian and Liv.

"Oh, hello, _Macon_." said Marian in a cold voice. Macon had never heard her use such a tone before.

"You talk to _humans_ in this century?" said a curious voice, talking about the Incubus like he was a caged animal in a zoo to be gawked at.

"Yes, _Jenny_. Since I've been..._underskin_."

Macon turned around to see Marian, his eyes growing wide at the sight of the lizard woman. She was in an odd style of clothing and had green scales covering her body, including her human face with the reptilian top which came to a crest-like point in a few places. Macon felt his legs grow weak, since he had never felt this intimidated before, especially by someone -or something- female.

Suddenly, he felt a new, larger weapon at his back as the woman tried to hold back a smile as Macon heard the words from behind him.

"You will be _obliterated_ if you attempt to escape..._may I take your coat?_"

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**Because I wanted Madame Vastra to be disguised as someone. How about we just ALSO say Liv never existed and it was Jenny.**

**(Better Summary: OMG JENNEH U DUN ASK PPL Y THEY TALK TO HUMANS.)**

**In the next chapter:**

_**It's Strax**____**time!**_

_**Come on, grab your friends,**_

_**We'll go to very- victorian lands,**_

_**With the lesbian detectives,**_

_**And Mr. Potato,**_

_**The grenades will never end-**_

_**It's straaaaax time!**_


	6. (6) Familiar Faces

**HOLY SHIT.**

**CLARA'S MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME WAS RAVENWOOD.**

**THIS IS CANON.**

**PREPARE FOR ANOTHER CROSSOVER FANFIC.**

**Anyway, for those of you who have read my Caster Chronicles fics "Meet The Ravenwoods" or "A Home Away From Home", Riley is pretty much Queen Mary's twin.**

**((FOR MAXIMUM CHAPTER ENJOYMENT, PLEASE LISTEN TO "Born To Die" BY LANA DEL RAY.))**

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**Chapter Six- ****_Familiar Faces_**

**((AN: This Chapter is a memory of Madame Vastra.))**

Madame Vastra had hated the apes since...since, well- the dawn of time. Which was quite literally. She had awoken from her thousand-year slumber when they had breached her tribe while building an atrocious transportation system that would later be known as the London Underground.

They had found her newly awoken 'sisters' and slaughtered them like monsters, which was quite ironic, since they were being killed by a race who thought that they were ugly monstrosities who were going to take over their world unless they killed them on sight, which was actually exactly what the Silurians thought about the apes. She had used her sharpest weapons that were tipped with a painful poison when she reached the tunnel construction on her own accord to avenge her fallen comrades.

She was a cold-blooded killer- no pun intended. Out of any reptile she could be, she resembled a blood-thirsty snake about to rip it's prey to shreds. Her long reptilian tongue flickered at the stench of their blood- the scent of victory. Their red blood was spilled everywhere, and she remembered a face. She also remembered a body.

She remembered using her foot to move the face of one of the bodies, just because she was full of herself. She smiled a smile of both evil and joy. She had saved her tribe for a long enough time for them to gather troops in case the tunnelers didn't heed the warning, and also made sure there were a few less apes soiling rightful Silurian land.

She stepped carefully through the maze of blood pools, passing the patch of light leading up towards the land, and was heading towards the darkness of the already-dug tunnel segment, hungry for more blood and death. Her forked tongue slid over her teeth with the hunger for battle. She walked forward, but suddenly, a figure was clinging to the iron ladder leading to the outside ape world. His eyes were wide with fear, yet still showing signs of being a powerful man who was usually the thing people feared, and not the other way around.

"_Y-You_" it said, the pale moonlight showing his handsome features against his coat and dark hair.

She unsheathed her sword, pointing it towards him, a sign for him to keep his distance, even though they were a few yards away. She was still hidden in the almost absolute darkness, except her boots and sword, and sometimes her nose would pop into the light as well.

"Spit it out, already." she ordered sternly, poking her sword forward. "By the looks of you, _you_ shouldn't be down here _either_."

The man finally composed himself, his voice becoming powerful and stern. "Your...eyes. And your voice...They're _human_."

"Why yes." she mused "_Homo Reptilia_, in case you were wondering." she said, turning her back to him, about to walk away.

"W-_wait_!" the voice said, still a little shaken for seeing a lizard-woman murder tunnelers. Vastra turned her head sideways, one eyes looking at him. "For an _ape_, you_ do_ ask_ far too many _questions."

The man let go of the ladder with one hand, climbing a few rungs downward. "Please...don't go." Vastra turned all the way towards him. His voice sounded like what she imagined the eyes of a pleading canine offspring would look like. "At least let me see you. I-I know what it's like..."

"Like _what's_ like?" she snapped "You _know_ what it is like to have to seek_ vengeance_ after your comrades have been _murdered_?"

The man shook his head. "No." He kept his head down as a said somberly "I _know_ what it's like, to be living in _fear_ of others, to only kill and destroy because someone else _threatens_ you."

Vastra could hear the truth and pain in his voice."Alright." she finally said, slowly stepping towards the rim of light and the man on the ladder. She was pitying an _ape_, for God's sake! She must be going _soft_. If worse came to worse, she'd just kill him harm, no foul. Her goal was to kill any apes in the tunnel fragment near her home, and technically- he _was_ there.

As she walked closer, she noticed something strange about the man. Besides this was England and he had a voice unmistakably from the southern United States, his eyes were not quite...human. They were almost all black and gleamed in the light evilly, like a forbidden gemstone she could never have. His lips loosened as his jaw dropped a bit at her form as she was now right in front of him.

"You're-"

"_A female lizard warrior from the dawn of time who is breaking so many rules right now by not killing you because I pity you_?"

"_Beautiful_." A glint hit his black eyes. "The perfect amount of reptile for an unstoppable soldier, but enough human..." he traced down her arm lightly as he never finished his sentence. with his hand. "A genetic _miracle_." he mumbled to himself, looking at her, finally letting go of the ladder and falling, now about six inches shorter than he was compared to her on the latter, but still her height.

"What's your name, ma'am?" He said, bowing.

"Vastra." she replied, bowing back. "And yours?"

"Silas, Miss Vastra. _Silas Ravenwood_."

* * *

**Yes, I imagine Silas and Vastra having a little thing going on. I had another idea in mind, but this was the only one that hasn't dead-ended yet.**

**Totally OOC for Silas, but maybe we can play The Master card and say "so-and-so went nuts in the end.", m'kay?**

**MORE VASTRA MEMORIES LATER- yay.**


	7. (7) I Sure Hope You Are Dead

**It's 70 degrees and windy as shit.**

**Nothing like spending your last day of break photoshopping last year's vacation photos while listening to Modest Mouse and not going outside. (hence the title as lyrics from "Satin In A Coffin".)**

**((Fun Fact: the last chapter was EXACTLY 1,000 words!))**

**I should reply to some reviews right now, but all your questions will be answered in due time.**

_**(NOTE: HALF OF THIS CHAPTER AND THE AUTHOR'S NOTE ABOVE WERE WRITTEN ALMOST A MONTH AGO. THE FOLLOWING IS A NEW AUTHOR'S NOTE.)**_

**OH MY GOD.**

**CENTRE OF THE TARDIS FEELS.**

**CLARA FIND OUT ABOUT THE OTHER CLARAS. **

**THE DOCTOR'S NAME HAS BEEN HINTED.**

**AND STRAX, VASTRA, AND JENNY COME BACK NEXT SATURDAY.**

**I AM EXCITE.**

**HERE HAVE A FANFIC.**

* * *

**Chapter Seven- I Sure Hope You Are Dead**

It had been almost a year since she had met the mysterious Mr. Ravenwood. The apes had blamed the killing on some non-existent mass murderer, yet they still tunneled further, killing off her fellow Silurians. Her tribe had heard other races were slowly integrating themselves the human world, and the leaders of her group -who hadn't been murdered yet- decided if they couldn't stop the apes in one last meaningless defence -just to say they gave up with dignity- , they would scatter like the various other races and live in the shadows.

Vastra had become one of the best hunters, since her family had been one of the best hunter when apes were hunted for sport back before they took the earth from them completely. She had murdered countless workers, and every time she walked through the pools of blood, glancing around for any bystanders or survivors, he would be there.

He had told her a lot about himself already. He was a sort of demon-human hybrid called an Incubus. His kind was considered the bringers of hell on earth, and killed apes for their blood. She had eventually saved usually one body out of her killings and thrown them to him, like an ape hunter would give deer scraps to their hunting dog after killing it as a reward.

She noticed he had taken a liking to her, but nothing more than a person who felt his pain -metaphorically speaking- , and a man interested in a creature who could hold so many unfathomable secrets that mankind might need. She never told him much, except why she was murdering the tunnelers, which also led to him knowing she was from the dawn of time and such.

Vastra walked through the dark, waiting for her _only_ target. _Silas._

It was only last week when she had caught him in the act. Feeding off one of her comrades. One which she had befriended many millennia ago. He began to make sad excuses, but she pulled her blade, which she had told him enough about Silurian weaponry for him- a demon with enhanced speed and strenght- to run away quickly, and never look back. She went past the safe boundaries and into the tunnels were it was common for large groups of men working at night the tunnel to be, and slaughtered them all in a blind rage. She had killed more apes in the past week than she had in all the past months combined. They had fought back, a scar running down her back as a reminder to how terrible they were from that day forward.

Suddenly, she felt the warmth of breath on her neck. "Vastra...it's been a long time."

She spun around, her blade pointed right at his heart. "Say your last words, you_ treacherous bastard._".

Silas was going to do some pathetic explaining with a sad face, until his eyes grew wide at the sudden pain.

Vastra pulled the bloodied sword from Silas's chest as he crumpled to the ground. "You're a _heartless monster_. _You don't deserve last words_."

Vastra looked at Macon, the memories flying through her mind. The blind rage she had felt when Silas has killed her own kind had suddenly bubbled back to the surface and was going to boil over. Her lizard sense of smell could detect the stench. The older man was Silas's offspring, and appeared to be the closest thing to an identical copy of him. Stubborn, cocky, and full of himself.

She unsheathed her sword and hurled it towards him before The Doctor could even cry _'no!, _and the same words that had be spoken many years ago rang out yet again.

"_You don't deserve last words._"


End file.
